I have something to tell you. I'm telling you this because you should know. I'm telling you this because I care about you. I care about you even tho I don't even know you. Actually, I don't care about you, but that's not why I'm telling you this. I'm telling you this because you should know about it.

You know that water. You know what I'm talking about. Say you're in the bathtub enjoying a nice hot bath. Feels real good, doesn't it? You're all relaxed, you are naked, you don't have your armor, you don't have your hunter sense or weapons either, you are exposed and vulnerable. Right where the water wants you. Right the way it wants you to be. Because it's water, and it doesn't have your best interests in mind.

Because what the water just might do some day, when you're so relaxed and all, is that it might just wrap itself around you, but around you hard. It might just strangle your whole body with its waterness. It's called drowning. You ought to know about it.

Or say you're taking a shower. Once again, relaxed. Once, again, naked, no armor, nothing in the way of protection, no guns or ammunition. And then that water starts coming down like knives, it cuts a hole in you. Where would you be then? Your blood would be there with the water, but the water would overwhelm your liquids.

I just thought I should tell you. I just thought you should be warned. Water. Watch out.

Jesus, Sisterine, you say you don't believe me, but what is to believe but what I see before my own two eyes? I am his Research Associate, after all. The thing about Only is, I mean Agent Only is, that I have to help him with his important work. This is bigger than you, this is bigger than me. This is the investigation of all illusions, and that's why I have to go. I have to help him out. This is his latest and greatest investigation. I'd tell you more if you let me. But why do you have to go saying things like that to me? I'm just a little guy. I'm not the big stock-broker type who rules the world. The big conspiracy types with their drugs and their eyes. I'm just Mintyfresh, and you know that.

Sisterine, don't be saying things like that to me. If I could just tell you about. If you'd just let me tell you why it's so important. What went thru his mind when he saw the Don't Walk sign. He showed it to me too, and so I know that it is the truth. He showed it to me so I could see it with my own eyes. He told me, he said, Mintyfresh, There is more to this here than there is to anything else around us. There is something way behind this, Mintyfresh, and we have to get to the bottom of it. That's what he told me, Sisterine, he told me that, so that's why I have to help him. I am his Research Associate, after all. I have my ways, but I can't reveal them, because then they wouldn't be mine any more, would they?

It was something with the sign. The missing middle finger. That's what he showed me. It was a Don't Walk sign without the middle finger. Imagine that! Wasn't that strange looking! No wonder he thought something was up.

He pointed it out to me. He pointed me to that Don't Walk sign without its middle finger. The lights were out. But just for the middle finger. Or it was a conspiracy. But why would only the lights for the middle finger be out? Why not another light out here and there? Why only one finger, and why the middle finger, and why only that? That's what he said. And that was what we had to find out.

We did an exercise in compare contrast. We looked at other Walk/Don't Walk signs. Sometimes we had to wait until they changed. We didn't walk. We did the Don't Walk part, even when the sign said to walk.

What we saw on the other signs were middle fingers. We saw all the fingers. The hand outspread to us to hold us back. And we did hold back. Man, did we ever hold back. Sisterine, you can't imagine how much we held back. We were holding. Of that you can be sure.

All the other signs had the middle finger. There was only that one sign, the one by that corner, that didn't have it. Something was up. Now we were sure of it. Something was amiss, and now we had to figure out what it was.

Because the first step is always to compare and contrast. That is what Only, I mean Agent Only, told me. He told me that we have to compare and we have to think about it. There was one sign without the middle finger, and that was the first one that we noticed! All the others had that middle finger, but we looked at them after that. We only noticed them after we noticed the first, and that was all the difference that Agent Only needed to make his case.

Don't you believe me? You better believe me. I know that I know how to look. Because Agent Only told me that the next step is to wonder where it's going. Because if one hand is missing its middle finger, then you better bet that more hands are going to be missing their middle fingers. First its one Don't Walk sign, then it's the next, then its other hands, like the big hands the sports fans have. Then it's other hands, like people hands. Then it's my hand, then it's your hand. Before you know it, they'll be going after our middle fingers. We'll have hands without them and that would be a real tragedy.

Because if you have a hand but you don't have a middle finger, you can't do what that middle finger does. You can't express that concept. If you don't have a middle finger, you can't tell the man what to do. This is what Only, I mean Agent Only, told me. We have to stop them before they take our middle fingers because without our middle fingers we can't tell the man where to go. We won't be able to express how we feel about it. We won't be able to do it.

You need the middle finger, that's what Only said. It's so important. It's the finger that says the most. It's the finger that you point to the man and that says it all. It's the finger that says Frick You and Fack You and Fleck You and Fruck You and Frack You and Fug You and Frug You and Frig You and Flog You and Fleg You and Fig You and Fag You and Fligger You and Flagger You and Flubber You and Flabber You and Flibberdegibbet You and Flamboozel You and Flim Flam You and Flugger de Flagger You and Flumber You and Flambay You and Fleghorn You and Flicker You and Fluff You. It says all that, so you see it's so important to do what we are doing.

You don't believe me? You don't think that is important? How could you feel that way? How could you see that so? Don't you even care about being able to express yourself? What if you want to tell me off? Oh, you do.

But I have to get back to him. He has another mission for us. I have to help him out. I am his Research Associate, after all. He made me that officially, with the official Research Associate ceremony. We had to draw blood and all, for the ceremony, that is, and that made it for real. I am the real thing. I bet you didn't think I had it in me. But we are out to do something important. We are out to save the day or something. You can't stop me. I'm going.

I said I'm going. That means that I am going to go. I am going out that door. And then I'll be back. And then you'll see how important it was.

The water was just a little. And then it was so much more. The water came in the doorway, like other proper company. And then it came in the back way, like it wasn't invited. The water came in the windows, when they were open. And then it came in when they were closed. The water came in like an honored guest. And then it stole in like a bandit.

First it came dry, and then it came wet. First it came with soft shoes, then it came with hard. First it came singing your name, then it came singing its own blame name. First it came like it would come and go. Then it came like it would never leave.

When it came for real, it came by way of wall. When it came for real, it made a stain first, and that was its calling card. First it turned some colors, then it made a waterfall. First it was a drip. Then it was a torrent. First it just came as a little smell, then it came enough to make you soaking wet.

You have to watch for the water. It has a certain power. It has a certain water, it has it in its name. You have to watch out for the water, it can blow you all away, it can take your house from its place of rest to its place of moving moving moving.

The water was not welcome. It brushed its way like teeth. The water did not wait for a sign or a signal. It just came on its own. The water started small, and then it got real big. The water started very softly, and then it was hard as lime.

You have to watch for the water, it is coming to your town. You have to watch out for the water, it is coming rather down. You have to watch for it when it comes from sideways and from straightways and from always. You have to watch for the water, for you only think that it's your friend.

That was the little sculpture, at least that's what I called it. I made it out of ice and it was little and it was small. It took me some time to make it and I had to make it carefully. I had to make it with some care and then I had to show it to the people.

It had the look of snowflakes, it had six sides and then six sides again. It was delicate and it was melting but I had to show it to the people because I had made it so carefully.

I showed it to a few people, but then I had to cross the bridge. It was a long bridge, and my sculpture was melting. It was melting as I walked across; it was melting so I could show it to the people.

I showed it to the people on the other side. Do you remember when I did that? I showed it to the people and it had melted down to smooth. It wasn't the same thing, but it still was something. It was something that I made and then the sun made it and the heat made it and the dripping made it, and there it was. They look at it, and some of the people nodded, and some of the people didn't look at it, and then I had nothing to show them.

I still had it but it was nothing. It had gone away where it had come from in the first place. It was in my hand but then it wasn’t. I had made it, but then I hadn't. It was made of ice and so it went away. Remember when I did that? I was so proud. I was proud for a little while and had to show it to the people, and then I had nothing to show them, but they still looked.

Knock knock. Who's there? Water. Water who? Water water water water water water water water water.

Yeah, he's just Only Mordred. You know that I've known him for a long time. I think I've known him since we were kids, and it has been a long time since we were kids. Now we're not kids. Now we are adults. Now we are serious. Now the things we do have a real impact. It's not just playing. It's the real thing. We've been doing that for a long time. It's been a long time since we've been playing. Now we're important. We're not kids, but we were once. That is when we met. Now we know each other, so we don't have to meet, and we don't have to be kids.

My god, Sisterine, I know we had plans for dinner, but then Agent Only called me away. Everything had to stop for the case of the bird. Everything. Everything had to stop for the case of the bird.

Everything had to stop for the bird.

For the bird.

Don't you want to hear about the bird?

Sisterine, I want to put a ring on your middle finger, honest I do, but I can't put a ring there if you don't have a middle finger, and that's what I'm talking about. There's somebody or something that's trying to get rid of our middle fingers, and Only, I mean Agent Only, is the only one who's on to it. I have to help him, for the sake of the middle fingers of all of us. Your middle finger; mine too. I want to put that ring on your middle finger. You gotta have a middle finger for that.

Well,.. Whatever, but if they're taking the middle finger, then the other fingers might be coming too. But don't you want to hear about the bird? I was going to tell you about the bird because I thought you might be curious. Anybody in their right mind would be curious, and that includes you, too, Sisterine.

It was the bird that stopped coming. Every day it sat on the gutter above Agent Only's kitchen window, but then it stopped. Yesterday it didn't come. Yesterday there was no bird. The bird was gone.

And you know what they call it if they give you the middle finger, don't you? They call it the bird. Isn't that something? First the bird was missing, and then the bird was missing. Two birds were missing, even tho they weren't the same kind of bird. Definitely something was up. That's what he told me, that's what Agent Only told me. He said, Mintyfresh, now I know that something really is up.

We had to find out about the missing bird, and I am his Research Associate so of course I had to help him. So that's why I had to miss dinner. But now you know. Now you know how important it was. It was all about the bird.

I'll tell you about the bird. That's what I'm telling you about. Because that bird was missing, which meant that we had to find that bird. We had to look around. We had to research. We had to look up and down for that bird, but mostly we had to look up. We had to look up.

What did we look up at? We looked up at trees, we looked up at telephone poles, and it was a windy day. We looked up even tho the wind was cold and made us cold. We could have caught a cold, it was that cold and windy. And we didn't see a bird. We must have looked at a dozen trees and a dozen telephone poles and not one bird did we see. What do you think about that? No birds. Doesn't that tell you something?

And then we saw a bird. It was sitting on a Walk/Don't Walk sign. The sign had the person so you could walk, but we weren't going to walk, we were going to be patient and wait. We waited until the sign changed, and then it said Don't Walk, only it didn't say Don't Walk in words. It said Don't Walk in a sign. And that sign was a hand. Palm out, you know, like when you want someone to stop. And you know something about that hand? It had its middle finger. It had its middle finger and there was a bird on top of it. It had the capacity to make a bird because it had the middle finger, and it had a bird. That has to mean something. That sure made us think.

And then we suddenly heard lots of birds. Lots and lots of birds started singing. First there were no birds, and then there were lots. Agent Only said, Mintyfresh, this is certainly a sign of hope. The birds have hope now because they know that we are on the case.

So the birds even knew! So what do you think about that? I can't let the birds down. The birds need their Research Associate, just like Agent Only needs his Research Associate. Letting the birds down would be too much. Sometimes you do have to miss dinner if you don't want to let the birds down.

When the water comes from down below, you can stay or you can go. When the water comes from this or that side, you can stay or you can hide. When the water comes from east or west, who's to know just which is best. When the water comes from your left shoe, who can know just what to do. When the water comes from out your nose, it's not the look, it's not the pose. When the water comes from up above, you can't read a book, you can't fall in love. When the water covers up your hair, you don't even dare, you're not even there.

The water is coming, and it knows how, even tho it has never happened quite like this. The water is coming to town, and it is riding its gravy train. The water is coming on strong, despite the way it looks. The water is coming on strong, maybe even too strong, but that doesn't really matter so much to it.

The water has a fixed purpose. The water has no aim but higher. The water knows what it is doing. The water isn't that smart. The water has a plan, and the execution of it is the point of everything. The water is just coming, and there is nothing you can do about it.

I knew some water, and it wanted in the door. I knew some water, and that water knew some more. I knew some water, but it didn't know me back. I knew some water, and it came in thru a crack.

Introducing: the water. The water comes in means you are going out.

Sisterine, please believe me. Remember the situation in which we met? The basement, the bathroom, the hallway and the underwear? It is all so special to us now. It is all such a part of us. But we did meet, and in such a way, and now you must believe me, and now you must support me.

Because it is good work that I do. Because it is so important that I take the time to help out Only, I mean Agent Only, because he does need my help.

He is a man on a mission. He has a mission and I am his Research Associate. I have to help him and that means time.

Sometimes it means that we have to look at the poles and posts. Sometimes it means that we have to examine trees and other tall things. Because where are the Don't Walk signs erected anyway? They are on posts. They are on poles. They are on things like trees, but then we noticed that all the posts the Don't Walk signs were on were made of metal. Don't you think that means something? They are metal, but they are like trees. But being made of metal, they can never grow.

We have to grow, Agent Only told me so. That's how we solve the problems. That's how we find out what's really going on. We have to grow like the trees, or else we are a steel pole and you wouldn't want to be one of those. One of those is where they take the fingers away. They take the fingers away if you can't grow, if you can't stop them; and if you are metal, you can't stop them.

We need our middle fingers. That's what keeps us human. That's what keeps us able to talk back. That's why we had to examine the poles and trees. We had to compare them and contrast. We had to think about and research about why one pole would have a sign with a missing middle finger, and why another would show a person, and another would have no clues for pedestrians.

We had to walk around, despite the signs that sometimes told us not to. We had to disobey, because that is the way that you make any progress, if you have a crusade. We had to think like the poles, standing straight up for a while. And sometimes we had to talk back.

Sometimes we talked back to each other, sometimes we talked back to the poles. Sometimes we talked back with words, and sometimes we used gestures, for they all a part of the talking back process. They all and each have a role, that's what Agent Only told me. It's important. I don't know how else to say it.

Yes, you guessed it, Sisterine. I am tired. He really got me looking at the poles, and if you ask me, I'm not sure where that got me. I don't know how productive the pole looking was. It's not that I doubt him, I just wonder sometimes. But sometimes you have to follow some dead-ends to get to where you are going. That's what Agent Only told me. He told me, Mintyfresh, sometimes you follow the dead-ends. But you have to know when the dead-ends just look that way. And so I tried to look that way.

I know I didn't get much sleep last night. I tossed and I turned because I was a little worried. I was worried about the case and I was worried about you, Sisterine. Because we met, and we met in that way. It was important, and so are we. And we have to stay together. I am doing my best. I am doing what I have to do. I think it's what's best for both of us, in the long run, in the run that we can't see just now because it is so far off, because it is so beyond what we are seeing now.

I know you might give up some faith in me now and then. But I hope it's just for the short term. Because I can't give up my faith in your faith. And I can't give up on Agent Only, because I am his Research Associate, and he does need me. Boy, does he ever need me.

But also at that point I have to admit that I had some doubt. I wondered where we were going. I wondered if I should just give up on old Agent Only and go spend some quality time with you, Sisterine, because that's what it is all about. That's what I was thinking. I was losing some of my faith.

But Agent Only kept on looking at those trees and poles, at the telephone poles and the steel poles, and then he said that he knew it. He said that is just hit him like a light.

Because sometimes you have to know how to say it to know how to slay it, that's what he said.

Sometimes you have to put it into words before you know what you're up against. And did he ever put it into words.

He told me, Mintyfresh, I just figured out who we are up against. And it is no foe of little consequence. It is an awesome enemy we face.

And so he explained it to me. He said it A thru Z. He talked about how we were the Verticalists, because we wanted to stand up and keep on standing. And that was good. That is what we were all about. And sometimes we had to stick our middle fingers up in a vertical position, because that is what we had to do to tell them all off.

We were Verticalists in people, like the poles and trees that he was looking at were Verticalists in things.

And who is trying to put down the Verticalists? Who or what was the enemy we were facing with the middle finger missing stuff? Who was it? I asked that, and you might want to ask it too.

He told me the answer. The enemy is the Horizontalists. The Horizontalists are who we are up against. A pretty intimidating foe, those Horizontalists. A pretty bad enemy to have, if you are going to have an enemy. And we had an enemy. And that’s the enemy we had. Agent Only told me, and now I believe him, and now I know what I have seen and I can put a word to it.

You better watch out for the Horizontalists, Sisterine. But we're fighting them too, so you don't have to have so much fear. It's up to us, but I think we're up to it.

I warned you about the water. Look what it does to the sun. On this kind of afternoon. The sun is a big enough burning ball, but see what the water does with it. The water and some tiny bit of wind. See how it makes the sun into hundreds of burning balls. Hundreds of them

With so many of them, you wonder how anybody still has any eyes.

If the water can turn one sun into hundreds, think about what it can do with other kinds of threats. Think about what it can do with the moon, and with the dark of night. Think about how it can multiply the threat of mass weaponry, and of superior evil hatred.

It is not likely that the water is going to make many out of good things. It has bad things on its surface. That's what it is making the many out of.

Sisterine, you might not think that was bad enough, but what about this. I've got some good reasons, you know, and I have to help out Only, Agent Only. Because this morning he was kind of dizzy, he was kind of tottering. He was trying to stand up tall, but something was fighting him too. And he was aware of it. And he knew what was going on.

It was those Horizonalists. They were getting to him. They were using their Hypnotic Trip Therapy. Agent Only told me about it. They were trying to get him away from the vertical and onto the horizontal. You might call it Hypnotripology for short.

The Horizontalists were sending out Horizontalist power and Agent Only was feeling it. He was experiencing it and he knew how to interpret it. He knew what a threat it was. They were trying to trip him up from a long distance. They were trying to keep a good Agent Only down, and they were doing it with mind rays.

Agent Only said, Mintyfresh, he told me, Mintyfresh, I can feel their Hypnotic Trip Therapy. They might trip you up. They might trip up the other guy and the other gal. But they won't trip up Agent Only, because I am onto them. Because I can feel them first, Agent Only said. He told me that he could feel them like a canary in the coal mine. And that's pretty good.

And he wasn't going to let that coal mine trip him over. He was going to fight their Horizontalist power with some strong verticality. Even if it took all the trees and telephone poles in China to fight it. He would fight it. His exact words were, I will fight this. And I know he meant it.

I know you wanted me to pick you up after work, but I had to keep Only up straight. I had to position him between two telephone poles so he could feel their vertical power and pull it into his hair down to his toes. We had to battle the Hypnotic Trip Therapy of the Horizontalists with vertical force energy from those telephone poles. He knew how to channel it.

He stood up, that was the first thing. Then he looked those telephone poles from up to down. He did that. He looked at them with respect and with his eyes. He talked to those telephone poles. Really, he chanted. He chanted, Up See Daisy Me, Up See Daisy Me, and he chanted those words over and over until he really did look taller. I could swear he looked taller when he said those words and moved the tall power of the telephone poles up his spine and his legs and even his neck.

I had to take notes because this was a new procedure and we might have to pass on this knowledge and science to others who are battling the Horizontalists. Because we all are battling the Horizontalists. They want to battle us, so we have to battle them back. We didn't pick this struggle. It picked us, and we have to stand up to it. And Agent Only is showing me how, and that is why I know it.

Don’t look at me that way. When you look at me that way I think you might be coming down with some Hypnotripology yourself. You better watch out for those Horizonalists. We'll take care of them, Agent Only and me, but in the meantime you better watch out too.

When the water is wearing your shoes, is that good or is that bad news. When the water is wearing your coat, does that mean that nothing will float? When the water is wearing your tie, is that a sign that you will die? When the water is wearing your smile, how many waves can fit in a mile? When the water is reflecting you, does that mean that it will be true?

That water is there, but it isn't acting trustworthy. You can't trust it if it is so wet. It is wet and getting wetter. It is tall and getting smaller.

First the floor makes that sound when you step on it. Then you don't even know if the floor is there.

First you see the ground, and then you see the water. There used to be a break between the shore and the water, but now it is getting harder to tell.

There used to be dry land and then the water started. Now you can't be sure. It is starting to look like just one thing, and that one thing might be water.

Sisterine, there are other people out there too. There are other people out there who have to be saved from the Horizontalists, and it doesn't look the cops are saving them. And it certainly doesn't look like congress or the president is saving them. Batman doesn't fight the Horizontalists. Neither does Captain Righteous. Neither does the Derby Hat Crusader. Neither does Astounding Woman. Nobody is fighting the Horizontalists, so when they are doing their worst, it is up to us to come to the rescue.

And by us, I mean Agent Only and myself, Mintyfresh. We have to save the day in this situation, because nobody else is. And you know how notorious the Horizontalists are. I think I let you know about that. Agent Only certainly let me know about it, and I wish I could tell it back to you with words as good as his, but I'm not as good with words as he is.

He can really explain it to you. He can really make me know it. He says it and I just got to help him. He makes it sound so important and so precious.

You should hear him talk. But it probably isn't safe for you to come along on one of our missions. He is always telling me about the mortal danger. And your middle finger can't stop that. Your middle finger can't stop the plot to take away the middle fingers.

I wish I could tell you like he tells me. Then you wouldn't have that doubt. Then you wouldn't be yelling at me for leaving you and spending time with him. Then you'd want to join us in our fight, although it might not be safe for you to come along, you being a woman and all.

Oh, I'm sorry if I hurt your feelings. Oh, I'm sorry, Sisterine, if I made you mad. Sometimes I don't even know what I'm saying. I just know that when Agent Only says it, I know it, and I have to do it. To not do it would be, would be, would be something that I couldn't do.

I know you don't believe me. That's why I wish you could hear it in his words. They sound like candy, and mine don't. I'm just talking but he's making it sound so right. So righteous. You can't let him down when it's all so important as that.

I'm sorry but I have to go. There are people and tall things to save from the Horizontalists. There are worlds to save from falling down. We can't let everybody and everything get tripped. That would be just too bad. And they're not tripping people by laying down that foot. They're using the Hypnotic Trip Therapy, so they can do it by long distance. They can do it with their minds and by radio waves.

And those radio waves might get to you. Maybe they're already getting to you and that's why you don't believe me. I wish you would. I wish you would believe me. That would make me happy. But I can't stay with you today, Sisterine. I told Only, I told Agent Only that I would help him. He said there were people we had to save today. He said there were worlds we had to save today. And you would believe him if you heard him say it the way I heard him say it.

I know you don't believe me. But that's because I can't say it the way he says it. I wish I could. Maybe I could record him, but then you'd have to wait until I cued up that bit of tape to play back.

He wouldn't want me to record him, anyway, because the recording might fall into the hands of the Horizontalists, and that would be tragic, because that would help them out, and they don't need no helping out.

They just got to be stopped, and we're the only ones going to stop them, and he, Agent Only, is the only one who knows how. And if you heard him say it, you would know that he knows how.

I’m going. I have to. I know you're angry, but it has to be this way. I'll see you when I get back.

If there is water on the outside, there is water on the inside. Not only inside of your domicile, but inside of you. There is water in your body, there is water in year head, and when you get too much of the water, you will be among the water dead.

If the water was 75% of you, it will soon be 80. After it is 85%, then it will be up to 85. The water will take you over, more and more. If you were made of glass you could see the rising level, the rising thermometer of water, but it is not getting warmer, it is getting more water.

First you will know your name, but as you become more water you will lose it. If somebody asks you who you are, all you will know to say is water.

As the water rises taller, the rest of you grows shorter. As the water takes up more and more, you will find yourself as less and less.

The water starts, but does it finish? The water continues, but does it end? If you let it in, it will take advantage. And then you are its liquid slave, you are not you, you are water.

But Sisterine, we had to go. I know you had that thing, and I missed it this time too, but this is important. This is a matter of Agent Only. This is what he is doing, and what I am up to as well.

He was looking out for the horizontal, for the nefarious deeds of the Horizontalists. And boy did he ever find some. All you have to do is look and they are there.

We went a little further this time. We went to the land of the big parkinglots and short buildings. We walked there, for that is how Agent Only feels the world thru his feet.

We went to the parkinglot and the long short building. Definitely the work of the Horizontalists. It had Horizontalism written all over it. There was a big flat place where people were putting their cars and there was a big flat place where they were spending their money.

They were losing all their money to the flatness, but what could we tell them? I asked Agent Only if we were going to warn them, but he wasn't so sure. Part of the success of our mission is that the Horizontalists don't know who we are. They don't know that we are on to them. And if we let all those people know, then one of them might be a Horizontalist, or one of them might be a Horizontalist spy, and that would blow our cover, and then we would surely be dead, for the Horizontalists want to make you horizontal, that's their mission, and if they knew we were on to them, they would pick us first, don't you see?

Did I get that thing? What? You wanted me to go shopping? But I had to do my work with Agent Only. I was there, but I couldn't go shopping. If I did that, I would fall victim to them and that's exactly what they wanted.

What do you do when you are an Agent Only and a Mintyfresh and you are in the land of great flatness? Well, you want to do something that will make it not so flat any more. And what can you do if you are just two people? You have to make things as vertical as possible.

Only, I mean Agent Only, told me that big things have to start small. And being that we were just two people, we would just stand tall, and that would be our way to fight the Horizontalists this day in their flat place. And that is what we did.

We resisted the urge to lie down. We resisted the urge to get down smaller. Although we might have felt dizzy, we rejected their Hypnotic Trip Therapy and maintained our upright standing position.

Our goal was to offer up some vertical energy and power to challenge the Horizontalism of everything around us. We did not go so far as using our middle fingers, for we did not want to put our middle fingers in a vulnerable position. If we offered up our middle fingers in this land of Horizontalism, who knows how quickly they might snip them off. We didn't want to be such easy targets.

So we found a place by a tall light post. The tall light post was vertical, and so were we. They couldn't stop us from being vertical as long as we stood next to that tall lamp post. It was tall and so were we. The three of us were like middle fingers upraised because we were there. We were doing that thing. We were showing them the bird.

This is powerful, that is what Agent Only told me. This will have consequences, surely, he told me, and I felt how awesome I was next to him and next to the power pole. If the power pole was going to lean down, we were going to get it back up with our vertical energies. If one of us was to falter, we could grab onto the light pole, or onto each other, to get a grip, to get back up. We were going to offer that vertical energy, and you know that vertical energy in such trios can have an impact on the evil of Horizontalism, that’s what Agent Only said, so I am now telling you.

Yes.

Okay.

If you put it that way, that’s kind of what we did. But we didn't lean on a light pole for two hours, we stood next to it, we stood in solidarity with it. We stood up offering our vertical energy against all that Horizontalism.

I did not do nothing for two hours. It was the mission. It was the way of fighting the evil forces. I was helping out Agent Only because if somebody is going to notice the problem and going to stop it, it is going to be him, because he has already started.

No. It doesn't mean that you are not important. But right now I have this thing, and it is important, and Only is my friend, and if I do not help him as Research Associate, who else will?

And I forgot to tell you that I have to go again. He told me that he needs my help, so I have to be going. There was something about an Easy Chair, but it sounds hard, and it sounds like he needs me.

When the water falls, it doesn't look so threatening. It comes in small drops that you might not even notice. When you do notice the drops, you might think they are cute, you might think they are innocent.

A drop falls and you do not even see it falling. Sometimes you do not even know that it is raining unless you see the puckers on the puddles. When you see a raindrop hit a water puddle then you know that it is raining. But that is when you should be really afraid.

Because when a raindrop hits a puddle, it is hitting many other raindrops. It is hitting the raindrops that have already fallen. And this tells you that the water means business.

For one drop is nothing. One drop is innocent. Two drops are fun. Two drops are happy. But when you are talking about three drops or more, then you are talking about water. Then you are talking about the possibility of big great water that can mess you up. And let me tell you, if the water wants to mess you up, it will mess you up.

The water does not drop alone. Each water drop comes with another. And with their many, and with their multitude, and with their overwhelming mass of drops, they become water, and they become the thing to fear the most.

Sisterine, I know you sometimes just want to relax with me, but I also have to tell you that sometimes that relaxation smacks of Horizontalism.

I know you aren't quite in complete agreement with me on this, but I really think Agent Only is onto something here. And that is what led us to the easy chairs.

He told me that recliner chairs are chief agents of Horizontalism. They aren't the Horizontalists themselves, but they put people, Horizontalists or not, into a horizontal position. This is why they are deadly. They could make a completely normal vertical person into a horizontal person, which is the first step in becoming a full on Horizontalist.

This took us to the furniture store. The one down by the mall. We had to go there. There were so many easy chairs in that store that the easy chairs were all lining the windows.

There was some kind of easy chair blowout sale going on. Close-outs might seem like a good thing, they might seem that way because to close out means that they are not necessarily coming back when they all leave. Only told me that, but he also said that usually things come back even tho they have been closed-out, when the signs are down and everything starts all over again. Oh, if only all the recliner chairs could be closed-out and then never return. They are too tempting, and they are too Horizontalist.

You can fall into one and never get up again. You can recline a little, and then you will be hooked, and then you will recline some more, and then you will be completely horizontal. And then you will never be vertical again. All your vertical body parts will atrophy, including your mjddle finger. You will then never again be able to tell the Horizontalists where to go, and so they will go and go and go. They will take over if nobody can tell them where to go any more.

And that's why we had to whale on the recliner chairs. That is why Agent Only had to go over them with his staff of verticality.

Yes, the staff of verticality. Agent Only has a staff now. And by staff I mean a tall straight stick. You might think he looks a little like Moses when he holds onto that staff. Like Moses, leading us all tall to the promised vertical land. And that is what we were like when we walked into the furniture store.

He had his staff, and I walked at his side. We both stood up tall and straight. We stood up that way to tell the Horizontalists where to go.

If a recliner chair was a little reclined, Agent Only would have me prop it back up, to make it as tall and vertical as it could be. Even if an easy chair was spread out down to demonstrate its easy reclining ability, Agent Only would have me prop it back up. This is how we messed up the demonstration powers of reclining, of the Horizontalists.

I did it. I was brave. You would have been proud of me, Sisterine, looking both ways for the furniture police, and then propping up all those easy chairs that were starting to recline. I was carefull, and I came up with a quick way to flick the chair up without making too much notice of myself. I did it with the back of my hand. Let me show you on the kitchen chair, even tho the kitchen chair is, thank god, not a recliner.

I flicked the chair up and so it wasn't reclining any more. Nobody was going to get any horizontal ideas in that store once I was thru.

And then Agent Only stood there with his Moses staff of verticality. He stood there with me in the back of the store. He said to me, Mintyfresh, today we have done good. We have fought the powers of Horizontalism. And I have you and your powers of propping up to thank for this victory.

I felt good and I felt proud, and I had more propping up in me, if any other recliner chairs needed propping up. But Only told me, I mean Agent Only told me that I had done enough good work for today and that I would need my rest for future adventures and crusades.

Aren't you proud of me?

Don't you think I did good?

Yes, I do see that you still have your middle finger.

And I do see that you know how to use it.

But aren't you a little proud of me too?

The water comes from above and the water comes from below. It comes out of the bottom of your cabinets, and you might wonder how it got there.

If there is water, there is a way. If there is water, it will find a way.

It will find a way to get you. It will find a way to make the floor slippery. It will find a way to get inside your clothes, and you haven't even washed them.

Water is not only on the ground. It is in the air. It is in the atmosphere, and it is there to bring you grief. The water is there to wear away your soul.

It might come out of the tap and you are glad to see it because you are thirsty, but don't let your thirst fool you. The water will quench your thirst, but then it will start choking you.

First it was refreshing. Next it is deadly.

I have to tell you, Sisterine, that sometimes Agent Only makes me wonder too. But then I have to slap myself and realize that what he is doing is so important. He says it better than me, and he sees it better than me. He can see things that I cannot see. He has those Agent Only eyes, and I only have my Mintyfresh eyes. His eyes can really see it.

Like the wind today. That is not just the wind. That is the power of Horizontalism. He told me all about it. He said, Mintyfresh, you might say that it is a windy day today. But that is not what I say. I say that it is a Horizontalist day. The Horizontalists have got clear into the sky and they have filled the world with the nefarious Hypnotic Trip Therapy.

That's what he told me the wind was. He said it was the awesome power of Hypnotic Trip Therapy.

Because, Sisterine, you know how when the wind comes real hard you want to trip and fall. Maybe sometimes you don't want to trip and fall, but you do just trip and fall. The wind comes so strong you can hear it howl. Those are the Horizontalists doing that banshee howl, Agent Only told me.

Today we had to stand up to the wind. Today we had to beat it back to save all the people and animals and buildings from the power of Horizontalism. We had to hold it back, hold back that windy Hypnotic Trip Therapy.

So Only, I mean Agent Only, he had his Staff of Verticality. You know, I told you about it. He looked like Moses, tho he had his crewcut, so he didn't have that white beard flowing like you see in the pictures. He just had his Staff held up tall and vertical and he stood up tall. The wind did that thing with his clothes, you know, made them look like ruffles with its blowing by. The wind just vibrated him all over, it looked like it was going straight for him.

I think he set himself up so that the wind would just aim itself at him. That's what it looked like. It looked like he was just taking the brunt of it and it was all aimed at him so that it couldn't aim itself at me and all the other people. He just took it.

It makes me wonder what it was about him that drew all the wind too him. Because I didn't feel as windy as he looked. I didn't feel it, but he looked it. He just looked all super windy. It was something special. I'm not sure I believed it, but I did see it, and it was a sight.

He must have stood in the wind like that for fifteen minutes. He stood there and took it and didn't once fall down. He held up his Staff of Verticality to show how vertical he was, and the wind tried to blow him down, tried to blow him down horizontal, but he wouldn't do it. Then he walked back to me, and he didn't look so windy any more.

It was still windy. It is still windy now. But he wasn't so windy any more. I don't know what it was, but I saw it on him.

He looked special. I remember him when he was just a kid, but now he was something else. He wasn't just Only Mordred, owner of the greatest ever paper airplane, now he was Agent Only, who met the powers of the wind and still stood straight up.

I was still his friend, but also I was something else.

He told me, Mintyfresh, I stood up to the awesome windy Hypnotic Trip Therapy. I stood up to the worst that the Horizontalists could throw at me. And after all that, I am still standing. I bet you think that's something, and you certainly should.

He kept on talking. He said, now I know that we shall succeed. Now I know that we have some power against the Horizontal. But you must also help me. I must train you and strengthen you so that you can meet the Hypnotic Trip Therapy as well as I can. There are a few things I have been trying. I think they work, and now I must try to train you on them.

I have known Only all my life, but Agent Only is somebody different. Something happened to the man, Sisterine, to make him different, to make him better, to at least make him better than me.

I want to get this training from him, but that is going to take time. It's going to take time, and that means that I have less time to spend with you.

It's going to be hard on me, and it is going to be hard for you too. But it is for the sake of the world. It is for the sake of fighting off the evils of Horizonalism.

What do you mean that I'm nuts. This is real stuff.

I think you're just jealous. I think you might think that you can use this training too.

What do you mean, Not on your life. What do you mean? Are you so sure?

I think that if you saw what I saw you would think differently. I think your life would be changed too. It's like something you feel, like a shiver, when you know it, and I know it, and I felt it.

What do you mean, fat chance. You have to trust me on this Sisterine, if you're not going to try it out for yourself, and I don't think you should try it out for yourself, at least not yet. I have to try it out first, and then I'll tell you what it's like.

I'll see if it is any good, and I think that it will be any good, and then I will tell you about it, and then maybe Agent Only will train you too, and we can both be trained Reasearch Associates for him.

What do you mean, you don't think so. Not even just a little bit? You don't even know.

But now I do have to go.

The training is starting.

I know, I know, but I am going. I've got to do this.

It's bigger than you and me. I'm going.

I'm going, and you can't stop me.

I'm going, but I'll be back.

The water has you worried. The water has it out for you. And if you are not worried, that really is the thing to do.

The water, it is rising. The water's getting tall. And when the water gets so big it leaves you kind of small.

The water has a purpose. The water has no end. The water could be anything, but it is not your friend.

The water is so empty. The water is so clear. And tho it looks so innocent, it ought to bring you fear.

The water is so over. The water is so all. And it is so much louder and no one will hear your call.

He meant it too, he sure did. Agent Only meant it. He told me so in my training. He told me all about it.

He told me about the start of the Horizontalists, why they were there first, and why all civilization has been about the fight against them.

It has been a struggle. A struggle against lying down. A struggle against falling to the ground. A struggle to stay up, and to stay that way, and to stay that way.

He walked me down the street, and he told me about it. This was the lecture part of his first class. He said to me, Mintyfresh, I need to start out by giving you some background. You need to know why we are fighting so you can fight. You need to know what the struggle is so that you know what is at stake.

And I listened, for I was the student and he was the teacher. This is what it was all about. This was his training of me. This was my education in the ways of Agent Only, in the wheres and the whys, so I could do his work as well, so I could be a leader against the forces of Horizontalism.

If you have to fight it, first you have to know what and why. That is what he told me, and so he told me all about it. He told me about Homo Erectus, and how that was all about Verticalism. He told me about the lounging decadence of Rome, and how that was an example of the subversive flowering of Horizontalism. He told me about how building got taller, and that was progress, and then they grew squatter, and that was the evil of Horizontalism.

And he also told me about how important it was to have the tools to tell them all where to go. To have the ultimate Verticalist gesture that is the supreme expression of the movement. To have the finger, and you know which one I am talking about.

I should have taken notes with a strong vertical pencil, but Agent Only warned me against horizontal paper, so I didn't take notes. If I took notes, I could read them back to you, Sisterine, and then you would know what I know, and then you would know it in his words, which are so much more convincing than mine are.

I wish you could hear it like I heard it, because that would convince you. I'm afraid I can't do his words justice. I try to say them, but they come out all wrong. I try to say the words the way he said them, but I don't remember them all so well in their combinations, and they are not so convincing when they come from me.

I wish you could feel like I felt when I heard them say it. It was all about history, and how Horizontalism and Verticalism have always had this struggle, and how important it is that Verticalism wins. I can't remember exactly why that is the case, I can't exactly remember now, but I knew it then, and I knew it strong.

I just really can't say it how he said it. But it was like a class all day about why I should be this way. And I believe it. And I know it. I just can't say it back as well as he did.

About the spires and the stacks. About the books on their vertical titles, and wine glasses on their tall threads of stands. About the doors that are taller than they are wider, and the windows that are like that too. About our bodies themselves, and why they are always best when we are standing, and always the most vulnerable when we are lying down horizontally asleep.

It was pretty convincing. He had me believing him. I just wish I could do the same to you, but you probably need to have the full day class the same way I had it, and I can't give that to you. I can't be him. I don't have his lecture notes. Maybe if I have enough training I could give you the class, but I can't now, I can't today.

So you have to believe me, Sisterine, that this was the best college ever. That he told me so many things and they were so important, and they will help me to learn even more things in the future, all the future things that he will teach me in the upcoming classes.

It was quite a school. I wish you could believe me. I wish you could be a student too, and be so smart.

You don't wish that? But maybe if you could try it, then you would. Well, at least I think so, even if you don't.

The water has a face; you will see it if you're clever. The water doesn't have an on or an off lever

The water just comes, and you better be amazed. The water in its waterness has something that is crazed.

There is the body of water, and it is bigger than you are. There is the water like a whole bunch of people, and it has all of their army power.

The water has its water friends. They used to be drops but now they are swirling. They used to me just one each but now they are a thing, a force. They can pull houses down and put out fires. They can swirl the whole world down into dust.

Here comes the water. That must mean that it's Water Time. Here comes the water. That must mean that we are living by flood. Here comes the water. That must mean that it is the water's birthday. Here comes the water. That must mean that it is time for us to wash away.

Sisterine, I have to tell you about the training that Only, that Agent Only is giving me. I have to tell you, but I have to tell you quick, because there will always be more training and there will always be more adventures. When there are no more adventures, that will mean that we will have solved the world of Horizontalism, and everybody can have their say. I think that day is some time off. I don't think that we're there yet, but we are trying.

The wind blew the clouds into strange shapes. It was all a-swirl when Agent Only told me about standing tall. He told me to stand up, even with the wind and its tripping. He told me reasons that are too many for me to tell about to you.

He was showing me things that were tall, and showing me things that weren't so tall. He was showing me things that had never fallen, and things that had fallen too. He was telling me about it, and I want to tell you, but I don't think you're even listening.

Sisterine, I think this is important. It is something that I have to do. I know it takes time, but anything important takes time. I know it takes up time when I could be doing things with you, but when the case is solved we will have more time and we don't have to worry so much about the Horizontalists.

Because they are taking over things if we don't stop them. They have made inroads into the government. The Justice Department, the Legislative Department, the Fundamental Branch, they are getting their horizontal ways inside these institutions that we trust with our tax money. They are making the money flat instead of tall. They are taking away our right to tell them where to go.

Did the Horizontalists come from another planet or did they come from among us? I asked this question, and Agent Only said that it was a good question. If they came from someplace else, it had to be long ago, because their handiwork has been evident for so long, tho their awesome power has never been crazier than here and now.

Agent Only told me that surely there were other forces at work too, but that the Horizontalists have also been involved in pulling the leaves off of the trees. For when leaves hit the ground, the hit it horizontally, and that is how they stay. But the trees are such strong Verticalists, they are our great allies in our struggle, but look at what the Horizontalists have done with their leaves.

This was a great lesson for me. We walked under the trees. They were giving up their leaves. We looked at the leaves and saw how horizontal they were. Agent Only wondered if we couldn't make some of them vertical, and how that would be like a middle finger at the man, at the Horizontalists and all that they are.

So we gave it a shot. It was like training, but it was also like a mission. We gathered leaves, and we used leaves themselves to help us. We used leaves to make a base for the other leaves, so that we could make some of those horizontal leaves into vertical leaves.

It was one leaf that Agent Only saw like that and this got him into thinking such a plan. He saw that one leaf had landed vertically, and it had landed vertically because it had landed on a base of other leaves which were horizontal. He used this bit of nature as a guide and showed me how to do it.

We got down on our butts, but we sat up straight. Agent Only told me that we had to sit up as straight as we could so we could resist the power of horizontal. Even if we wanted to lean over to reach a leaf, we couldn't. We had to sit up straight and slide our butt along the ground to do that reach over.

So we got some leaves and we got some other leaves. We made some stand up; they were still brittle and crisp and hard and could do it. We stood them up and kept them standing by pressing other leaves up to them. Some of those leaves that made the base were horizontal, but some were at an angle. The ones at an angle did, in fact, make the best bases.

We got those leaves propped up like that, a few, and then we did some more. It looked like some of the leaves really were standing up. It looked kind of strange, but it made me feel good to see them standing up. We did that to some more. All the time we were sitting on the ground.

It felt a bit childish, but sometimes important work does that to you. Agent Only clarified this for me, and that was part of why this was training and a mission. He was telling me about the importance of Veriticality as we were doing this, why it is what makes the world go round and other things go round. It made the weights correct, and if there was too much horizontal, the whole rotation would wobble, or something like that.

It made me think of something. Maybe it was prickly that it made me think of. But we got one section of the park with all those leaves standing up. I did some and Only did some. We stayed together, and tried not to sit on the leaves we had just made stand up. If you ask me, that was really the hard part, not destroying what we had just done, because if you sit on something you really can make it pretty horizontal pretty quick.

We did this for a while, and then Only, then Agent Only said, I think this will be a good lesson for the Horizontalists. So you see, Sisterine, we were teaching the Horizontalists too while Agent Only was teaching me.

So if you see a leaf and you have a little time, and if you sit up straight, you might try this too. I could show you, but I have to go for more training, and to help him.

I know you want to see how to do it, but you can also imagine. If you go to the park you might see what we did.

If you go there you'd just smash it up? Now why would you want to go and do a thing like that? After all the work we did? Plus you'd throw the balance away from the vertical, and who knows how much you might make the world wobble.

I don't think you're helping sometimes, Sisterine. Sometimes there are things that are bigger than the two of us, and this is one of those times. If I don't help him, who else will help him? If he doesn't train me, who else will train me? If we don't save the world, who will save the world?

What do you mean, Save the world from us? Don't you believe me?

Sisterine?

What if the water didn't go away? What if you washed your clothes to make them clean, but then when you tried to dry them, the water never left? What if they stayed damp, despite dryers, despite the laundry line, despite drying racks and time, what if they just stayed damp?

What if a puddle formed in the street, but it never dried up? What if it didn't get smaller, but maybe it got bigger?. And the strange thing about it getting bigger was that it wasn't raining to make it bigger, it just got bigger.

What if you washed your hands but you couldn't dry them? What if you tried towels and paper towels and hot air dryers but you couldn't dry your hands? You could rub them on your pants or your shirt but all that would do would be to make your shirt and pants wet, and you couldn't dry them out like you usually would with laundry.

What if there was so much water in the air that the water was the air? What if all you had to do was be in the air to get soaking wet? What if there was no such thing as dry, and everything was slippery with wet, including you? What if you were part of the problem too, because, after all, so much of you is water?

Sisterine, don't look at me that way. Of course I have to go for more training and more agenting, but I'll tell you a little why before I go. That's something I can do. I can at least tell you, and maybe you will believe in the importance of this work. Maybe someday you will know and understand why I have to go again.

I don't like that look of yours, but I have to tell you. I have to tell you how in the latest training that Only, I mean Agent Only, gave me, he told me that if we want to fight the enemy, we have to understand the enemy. If we want to win over the enemy, we have to know what it's like to be the enemy.

So he told me a little more about Horizontalism. About what it's like to lie down. About how easy that is, to just lie down like after a hard day. It feels good. It's tempting. It might be temptation itself.

And so we tried it. But he had a kitchen timer so that we wouldn't try it too long. For sometimes if you get too horizontal, you stay horizontal, he told me. He said, Mintyfresh, sometimes we will have to get horizontal, but if we do, we must temper it with some vertical.

So we found a good spot to lie down but then when the timer rang we would stand clear up, all the way up, as vertical as we could. So we would lie down and I would look up at the clouds and then the alarm would go off and I would stand up tall, or at least I thought I was standing tall, but then Agent Only would do his best drill sergeant and yell to me, More vertical, more vertical, and I would strain my legs and back and neck to try to make myself more vertical than I already was, and you better believe that I was already pretty vertical.

And then we lay down again. And I looked at those clouds. And I noticed that some of them really did look horizontal, but they all had this vertical element to them. They were all up so high. You can't get more vertical than that. And yet they all went off in one horizontal direction, they went from here to there, and then they moved and changed. And I was just thinking this about the clouds, and I was falling into the sleep of my horizontal position, and then that alarm rings just in time, just before I got too horizontal in mind, and it was time to stand up again.

Because when you look at a cloud and it looks horizontal, then you start to think that maybe the horizontal is pretty good. I didn't say this to Agent Only, but yet it was like he read my mine. He started talking about it when we were next on our backs and looking up.

He said, You can see, Mintyfresh, how seductive and strong the horizontal is. It feels good, doesn't it? You always have to remember how good this good feeling is, even when you are vertical, even when you are fighting the horizontal with act or war you must remember how good this feels. But it feels so good that you might never leave it, and you can see that that is bad. And if you do not leave the horizontal, you give up completely with the vertical. And vertical is good. And horizontal can be good sometimes too. But when there is too much horizontal, that is bad. But it does feel good now. It does feel.

And then, just when he might have become a little too horizontal to be fighting it, that's when the alarm rang, just in time. And so we both darted up to our feet and we stretched as vertical as we could, and I thought I saw Agent Only get vertical before that, but man was he even more vertical now than ever before. And maybe he was thinking about those clouds when he was talking about how good the horizontal can be. But that's good curiosity too, to know your enemy that was so well. So we got horizontal again, and it felt good, and I might have even dozed off to sleep for a second this time.

Because what I remember is the machines. The machines that were stepping down on us. The big plunger foot stomper with steam coming out of it. And then the clouds, and how they seemed to have fingers, but no middle finger, and how they were operating that machine with their fingers but there were no middle fingers, just edge fingers. And the clouds were telling it to go here and there and that big foot stomping machine started coming after me. I could see it on the near horizon, how it just took up the world and just went bam down on it. It didn't really come from nowhere, it just came from up to down. If it hit you, man, you would be suddenly very flat. Very very horizontal. And it was getting closer to me, like a tornado, like a butcher knife flying thru the air, but it was bigger, and it was steel, and the clouds were steering it.

It almost came to me and then it started making a ringing. Although it wasn't the foot stomper that the clouds operated, it was that alarm clock. And so I jumped up vertical and I stretched so vertical this time that even Agent Only couldn't get so vertical. He didn't have to do his drill sergeant thing because I was doing it for him in gestures and just by being it. He looked at me, and maybe he was even admiring me. He said to me, Mintyfresh, I think you are learning something. I think we are getting something out of this training.

And I felt good, but I also felt a little scared and I looked both ways for that foot stomping machine, because, man if it ever got to me, I would be a pancake. And that's a pretty horizontal piece of food.

Okay, you're laughing, Sisterine. I see it. You don't have to deny it. But all I want to know is if you are laughing at me or laughing with me? You're laughing with me, right, even tho I haven't started laughing yet, but I will be laughing soon so you can be laughing with me.

No? You're laughing at me? And you even admit it? Well, you might laugh now, but when those Horizontalists unleash their foot stomping machine at you, then you might not be laughing so hard. Because not only is it scary, but I bet that thing hurts.

Read Part Two

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